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It feels as though I am in a sort of time warp. There is only one direction to go, and one way to be, and I need to cling onto this. I need to trust in God, no matter what comes my way.
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I feel like I have lost everything and everyone. People think I am on meth when I meet them, but that is not the case. Have I really lost everything and everyone? Probably not. Things show up during the day and leave during the night, just for another strangeness to arrive during sleeping hours.
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Things are quite mixed up and I am living in a word salad, but there is hope in my life, just like there would be in another living person. I need to remember the Bible verses that play during the night. I need to remember who I am- I am still a child of the living Almighty God!
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This is no small thing to think about. My rewards may never happen in this life, but I have so much to look forward to after this life struggle. Maybe I will be able to see some of the light before my earthly light shuts off. Only time will tell.
My favorite verse is still:
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Proverbs 3, 5-6 (NIV)
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5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.
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Centering my focus on Our Savior, the living Jesus Christ, Our King!
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Things will improve, they say. It takes time, they say. I was being too optimistic or too impulsive to see the long-term ramifications of my psychotic actions. I cannot turn around and enter back into my psychotic brain and wish I could turn the key back to my own reality, or someone else’s long enough to survive the hurricane.
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I am sad, depressed, nervous, and almost hopeless, but I am clinging onto the hope of God’s goodness in my life. He has come through for me so many times, and I expect Him to again. He can help me through this heartache. Maybe He will send some good people my way.
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I wanted to embrace my autism and wanted to try and learn how to cope with my ADHD, but now I am so concerned with battling bipolar 1 with psychotic features, and my delusional walking nightmares. These have taken the top spot on my list of concerns because they affect me and everyone around me. Am I a crazy monster? I hope not!!!
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Me being on the spectrum becomes another obstacle because I lack communication skills and am too freaked out to deal with the world due to my severe social anxiety. I would like to get past the anxiety that prevents me from truly living.
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Right now, I just wish I had a treadmill and could walk some of this off. Maybe I’ll go outside and walk the streets, but it just doesn’t feel safe. I need to get out of this caged up existence though, and the streets may be my only option right now.
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Pray for me, please!!!
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OK, I made it through my walk and nothing bad happened (praise God!). In fact, it gave me more hope for the future. Maybe God will grant me a house someday, in this little neighborhood that has always felt like home.
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Until next time, stay safe, and be blessed!🙏🙏🙏
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