Today I don’t know how I’m feeling. One moment I feel great and all things seem to make sense. The next, I have this inner rage that can’t be satisfied, so I hide it behind smiles and laughter I truly do not feel. I try to be true to myself, but sometimes I don’t know who this person is- breathing inside of me and telling me that everything will work out in the end.
I have a jaded reaction to people I see or meet, for they are all the enemy to me. Which intentions are their actions meant for? Which motives do those words lead to? How can one trust anyone when a mouth can move at the same time that a mind thinks of thoughts so negative about one another?
You can look me in the eye and tell me that you love me, and at the same time be thinking of someone or something else. You can lie as easily as anyone I have ever known. I try to trust myself, yet where has this gotten me? I must be the enemy as well, for the advice that I give, and the advice that I take from myself is distracted by so many worldly things. What will become of me with all of these stresses? Will I end up old and wrinkled, unable to breathe? Or will someone someday put me out of this misery of daily living I have come to hate?
You say that this is a horrible thing to say and that everyone would be so sad and wonder why I would write such a disgraceful thing. Well, I am not home and would like to go home. Why deal with fake happiness and trials on this earth?
So many have died early and so many have mourned- as the others begin to rejoice, yet feel sorry for people still alive on this earth. That makes not one bit of sense.
Well, I’m sick of making choices, and not making enough money, and having to remind myself daily that I am indeed me.
But who is this person that people seem to enjoy, and why won’t they all let me go free to begin a new time, a new life, a new tragedy? I think I’m meant for doom, and that God is punishing me.
I know I am probably the farthest from perfect person I know. Always second-guessing my own responses and ruminating over and over again. So unsure of the truth, yet don’t want to lie.
I’m obviously confused, can you tell?
Within moments I’ll be smiling and laughing, and wishing for the future of this world, you know, that land that I want? Well, this won’t make it any better, but just temporarily, it will ease my mind enough to get through another day- to work, to live, to stop being so selfish. Who said I am here on this earth to be happy anyway? I need to focus on others, whether they hurt me or not. Easier said than done! Again, I don’t know how I am feeling today…