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Feeling helpless for change with the amount of time I am up against. They say that all we truly have is today- right now. Right now, I am sad. Right now, I wish I could go back in time and fix what I did during psychosis. Not possible.
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During my bipolar mania, it was as if someone was walking and living inside my body. A psychotic zombie… Still, I wasn’t aware, and I only have flashes of memories- horrifying memories that make no sense.
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I look through the boxes and bags of things I divided and stored, and they make no sense either. I hate having bipolar. I thought I was free of it. I thought mania would only happen if I allowed my triggers in. It turned out that other things could cause mania too- like going to the hospital when I couldn’t breathe, then the ER, giving me Prednisone. On top of that, when I went to my psychiatrist for help, she added Adderall to the mix which sent me flying into mania.
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I don’t know if she was trying to make the mania cancel itself out with a stimulant, but I do know that it didn’t work. It made everything worse. I turned her into the Nursing Board for her part in all of this. I believe the woman responsible for my care (or lack of care) should lose her license.
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I have lost so much time from being in the psych ward, and have so many bad memories from that experience. I hate it there and hope to never see behind those lonely walls again. I left the state, trying to guarantee my wants. It breaks my heart to leave so much behind.
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I also lost a loved one I once had- someone very special and dear to my heart. I’m having trouble with obsessing over this mess. Ruminating on trying to make sense of it, and saying desperate prayers for God to help me out of this current tragedy!
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Who knows when the sadness will fade when more situations keep toppling over each other? They say to take it one day at a time, or even one moment at a time. I need to stop jumping ahead, but I also don’t want to be homeless right now! Homelessness has been one of my biggest fears because it keeps happening!!!
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Yes, it could be so much worse! God has been providing for me through help from my family. I am very grateful for my family taking me back after being estranged from them for the past five years. I thought seeing them would trigger me into mania, but it wasn’t true. I am still hurt over the past, but am not letting it rule over me.
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Dealing with mental illness consumes most of my days, as I try to navigate through my anxiety, and what it will allow me to do. I hope someday it can be managed, and hopefully one day I can start driving again. Until then, I need to depend on others and utilize the resources available to me. I am trying not to feel like a burden, but it’s hard to shake that thought.
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I could go on and on about how, when, and why, but I am exhausted from my struggle. I can’t fill in too many blanks for it would only lead to more destruction. My mind has been scrambled, and God knows what I have done to it. I am not the same anymore since my horrible depressive episode in, 2020, and may never be the same again.
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More for another day…!!!
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Until next time, stay safe, and be blessed! 🙏🙏🙏
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